On constructive communication

“Don’t stay quiet. Just have the conversation.” 

You may have heard this before, or even said this to yourself in an effort to psych yourself up for a conversation you know you need to have, but really wish you didn’t. It could be a conversation with your kids after you find out they’ve been going down the wrong path. It could be the call to your supplier who you’ve worked with for 10 years but who recently let you down on a big job. It could be the awkward sit-down with a formerly close relative who you haven’t seen since the last holiday season.

Why did you stop talking? You can barely remember. All you’re focused on is on how painful it feels to think of initiating a conversation.

We all have difficult conversations to face and, what makes them more difficult, is when they’re with people with whom we have something to lose. The people we trust, care about and love. We tend to clam up, feel more defensive and talk ourselves out of speaking up when it’s a relationship we value, thinking “What if I ruin it?” 

Well, the good news is that you’re already in a negative place! That means you may as well take a (thoughtful) chance at repairing what’s been broken. Research by Emma Levine, Annabelle Roberts and Taya Cohen suggests that the sense that you will necessarily cause further damage by broaching a difficult subject is often overblown. It’s in our heads that we’ll make it worse; the other party often actually welcomes the fact that you want to figure things out with them at all. As the researchers put it, we often “attend more to the short-term harm than the long-term benefits of difficult conversation.”

So, the first key step in managing difficult conversations is to actually plan to have the conversation.

Notice that I used the word “plan.” Given how challenging it feels to even think about this and, admittedly, the potential challenges that might arise in execution, planning is important. A good first step is to set your own intentions and expectations and then ask the other party about theirs. How do we want this to go? Where do we want to end up? How do we want to feel during and after this conversation?

This can help set some guideposts for how things are going as you talk. The answers may also reveal that you and/or the other party simply aren’t ready to have the conversation right now. But you can agree to try when you are. Part of staking stock of your own readiness is to assess your own mindset. Do I have a “mutuality” mindset, where I feel open to learning and growing with this person? Or do I have an “individuality” mindset, where I’m raring to show them just how wrong they are and how right I am? You probably won’t be able to engage in the conversation as well with the latter mindset.

It may help, then, to ensure you have as much data as possible. It’s probably the case that you feel challenged because something has happened that is disappointing, frustrating or even hurtful. These feelings understandably grab our attention and encourage us to take care of ourselves, to defensively move away from the source of the pain. However, if there are good reasons to repair the relationship (and it’s actually safe to do so), reflecting on everything else you’ve experienced with this person may help complete the picture.

As Steve Taylor might ask “What “generous assumptions” can you make about the other person?” What have been some of the bright spots in your relationship history? Recognizing this bigger picture may help shift you into more of the “mutuality” mindset and get you thinking about where you might positively end up. Together.

Now, go have the conversation!